Evening fellow readers, just a slice of my feeling and life right now. You see, lately i’ve been busy with my current condition, i now have someone that i’m close with, someone i knew for 4 years, but i didn’t know her that much until now.
People talks about this to me, they think everything is happening so fast that i should get scared, that it should have an impact on my decisions on things, but i have to say, that is not the condition. Let me ask you a question, Have you ever found someone that you connect with? someone that you feel so comfortable with, someone that you can count on, and depend on, and you know that this person can protect you? Well, that’s exactly how i feel. Everything so far has been great, When we first met, There weren’t any awkward moments, we didn’t try to amuse each other by doing things that we don’t normally do. We were being ourselves, we didn’t even try to look good, unlike most people who first meet with someone they’re interested with, and be an asshole (or also called the perfect version of themselves, but then again, i’d rather say asshole 
), But even so, we connect, and it was something new, the spark was new, it was never there before, it was something amusing, something intriguing. And yet, it felt amazing.
That moment, when i first talk to her face to face, after 4 years. That exact moment, is when i know that she was being hersel, that she wasn’t trying to hide anything from me. She want’s to see how i reacted, and yet i felt comfortable with it, and so it seems that she does to. Now people start asking me, “then what the hell is the problem?”
The problem relies on what should happened next. I was never the one who can let everything flows, cause let’s face it, only dead fish goes with the flows, and certainly i’m not one. I think and I think and I think, and when i do, it starts from the very best, to the very worst. I think about what would happen next. I know what i want, and i know what she needs. She needs someone she can count on, someone she can feel comfortable with, someone that she knows she can fully trust. I could be all that, heck im on my way to be all that, and i know that she wanted a serious commited long term relationship, or so i think. Now that’s a good thing, cause that’s exactly what i wanted to have to. The question relies on the reliability of our current conditions, we are not lovedrunk, why? because we are mature, lovedrunk is childish, people wants to be with each other, people becomes obsessed and possesive with each other. That is bad. This is not. What I have with her is something different, we care for each other, we don’t want to be without each other or so i think, But we also face reality. We also face the truth because that’s not how things goes. See where im going?
This would be, if it works, the first real serious relationship, that both of the recipients are mature and fully developed. I am not that scared of the Elisabeth incident, we all know what happened then, because i know that she wanted a serious commited relationship, and in my dictionary, Commited relationship can ony be broken if there are irreconcilible differences, sounds like im gonna mary her don’t i? certainly not the case but at all. Other people should not be the case of us stopping to love each other, BOREDOM should not be the case, focus on the word “should” I can’t predict the future, i am not a mind reader.
Now back to the problem, What would happen next? my thoughts are swimming around in a bottomless pit of possibilities, i cant stop it, because it’s endless. There ain’t any light at the of my tunnel, there’s just gonna be another tunnel. i don’t know exactly what she wants, i don’t know exactly what I want. I know i wanted to be with her. I know that i can be at my best with her. But is that what she wants? But is this going on to fast? is this what should happens? that’s whats been bothering me. I only can predict what she wants and i know what she needs. But i don’t know what she would want to happen. And that scares me.
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A friend told me, “carl, if you love her, then you should be with her”, well ain’t that pleasant? I wish it was that simple, unfortunately it’s not. The dilemma lies on how much longer i could take this. You know when you’re with someone, and you feel nice to hug them, to kiss them, to feel their warmth.. but you don’t know where to go with it. That’s just gonna end miserably, and certainly OBVIOUSLY that’s not what i ever wanted.
That’s it, that’s my dilemma, that’s my worries, sounds confusing? Well all the people that i’ve talked to about this said one thing “give it a time” but do they realize the situation i’m in? If i give to much time, i wouldn’t get anything, and it’ll just for naught. But if move to fast, then it’s just like me attempting to commit a suicide.
She is different in so many ways., She’s not afraid to be different, she’s unique, and she’s happy of it. She went through so many things in life, tough things. So safely saying, she is like a ripple on a strong current. Something so small yet it could make a difference, but it chose to disappear. I want to change that. I want to be able to see the real thing. I want her to show me what she’s capable of doing. And i know when she does, it can do two things for me. One : I’ll love her even more, Two: I’ll be amazed. and when i say amazed, trust me. I mean it.
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